Manual for Postmodern Childrearing

“How would you bring up a child if you took the lessons from postmodernism literally? The young Swedish writers Athena Farrokhzad and Tova Gerge present a postmodern parenting guide.”

From an otherwise odd and unpleasant list, these are my favorites, especially the last one.

Emphasise the child’s potential mobility in the structure of desire by constantly spinning, shaking and upending the container in which it is kept, e.g. bed, buggy, baby walker and skin.

Combat the metaphorical system in the child’s language acquisition process. Point to a dog and say: “Paw, woof woof, mammal”.

Be suspicious of all forms of progress displayed by the child and question its origin and the oppressive underlying ideology. Operate on the basis of necessity rather than meaningfulness, and encourage the child to renounce all outward distinctions such as cakes or scholarships. Do allow sweets from strangers.

Reject all active initiative and make it clear to your child that setbacks are as objectionable as successes, since setbacks are an indispensable component in maintaining the category “success”.

Let your child become the parent, while you become the child, and both occasionally put yourselves in a third position and refuse to be either: become one another’s neighbours, for example.

Tell your child only short, incoherent bedtime stories that do full justice to cacophony. Stroke its hair and say, “In manuals like these, if you are operating at that level, once upon a thyme there was rosemary and she was sage, she said that they said, but in free indirect discourse, so to speak, informally, you do actually need a bit of spatiality.”

If your child accuses you of incomprehensibility, then accuse it of logical positivism.

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One Response to “Manual for Postmodern Childrearing”

  1. bandar bola Says:

    What a really joy of a blog post!!

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